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God's Design for Marriage Mark 10:6-9 |
June 27, 2004 Pastor Tom Marcum |
I heard a story a while back about a couple of golfing buddies who were swapping war stories from their marriages. One of the guys was complaining about his wife's unwillingness to ever back down from an argument. The other guy said, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that that. It's sure not like that in my house. My wife knows when she's pushed me far enough and when we reach that point she quits arguing." He said, "Why, just last night we had a major blowout but once we crossed a certain line that was it. A few minutes later she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
His envious friend said, "Wow. Just once I'd like to see my wife do that. So, what'd your wife say?" He said, "She crawled up to me, looked me in the eyes and said, 'Get out from under the bed right now, I'm not done with you yet!'"
Stirling and I took a couple of days off last week, just the two of us, to begin practicing for the empty nest we'll be inhabiting in just 7 more weeks and I'm pleased to report that we had a great time. But as I watched the various couples around us I was frequently reminded that vacations often put their own brand of stress on relationships.
I heard about a couple that had to interrupt their vacation to go to the dentist for an emergency procedure. When the dentist asked them what the problem was the husband said, "I want a tooth pulled and I want it done fast. I don't want any Novocain, in fact, I don't want any pain killers at all. I just want to get back to our vacation. So pull the tooth as quickly as possible so we can get on our way."
The dentist said, "Well, as long as you realize that this could be pretty painful, I'll agree to follow your instructions. Which tooth is it? The husband said, "Go ahead, honey, show him your tooth."
This thing called, love, is an amazing thing. And so, too, is this thing called, marriage. This morning, I want to take a brief detour from our journey through Romans to talk about marriage because, recently the issue of marriage has been receiving an awful lot of attention.
--Just two weeks ago, I heard a spirited discussion about marriage on KGO. Many of those who called in characterized marriage as a completely outmoded institution. In fact, several of the callers went beyond that to say that the institution of marriage had not only outlived its usefulness, but that it was actually destructive to both individuals and society.
--Yet, interestingly, at the same time that many are dismissing marriage as outmoded and even destructive there is a whole other segment of society that is actively seeking to be included within the marriage contract. Gay rights advocates are aggressively working to legalize and normalize the concept of gay marriage. In fact, the "gay marriage issue" could very well become a major factor in our upcoming presidential election as President Bush advocates for a constitutional amendment to define marriage as an exclusively heterosexual union while presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry opposes such an amendment.
For better or worse marriage is getting a lot of attention these days. This morning, I want to join the discussion by examining a passage of scripture from the Gospel of Mark. Responding to a question about divorce Jesus quotes from 2 passages in the book of Genesis and his response provides at least 5 MARRIAGE LESSONS that we would be wise to consider.
Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them.
Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife."
"What did Moses command you?" he replied.
They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:1-9
I said a few moments ago that there are at least 5 marriage lessons here. Let's take a look at each of them.
Lesson #1 is this: MARRIAGE WAS GOD'S IDEA.
That may not seem like a particularly astute insight but in fact, it's a crucial beginning point for our discussion since it is so frequently overlooked in most public discourse about marriage. Quoting from Genesis, Jesus says here in verses 6-8, "But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
The point, here, is that marriage was God's idea and it was so from the very beginning of creation. When God envisioned humanity He envisioned relational beings of two sexes, male and female and He instilled in them a powerful attraction towards one another. Not a bad idea considering that this attraction is key to the survival of the species.
So, the process looks like this:
--God creates us, male and female.
--He instills in us a desire for intimacy.
--This desire attracts us towards one another.
--And then, God joins us together to satisfy our desire within the marriage relationship.
So, the point is that from the very beginning marriage was God's idea.
Which brings us to lesson #2: MARRIAGE BEGINS WHEN WE LEAVE.
Look again at verses 7-8. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
Marriage is God's idea for us to fully satisfy our need for relational intimacy. And God delights in blessing those who embrace His vision of marriage. But before God can do His part, we have to be willing to do our part and that involves leaving relationships that have played an important part in our pre-married lives. And the process of leaving is not as simple or as easy as it may appear.
To begin with the leaving that we are talking about involves a significant amount of sacrifice. And sacrifice is always difficult. But if a marriage is to reach its full potential then ALL of the other relationships of our life will have to change. Folks, it's a fact of life: our human resources are limited. And that means that if we are going to give our marriage the time and energy it deserves we will have to give our other relationships less time and less energy than we were giving them prior to our marriage. That's an important part of the process of leaving.
Leaving also involves the creation of a whole new set of priorities. If our marriage is to be all that God intends for it to be then, other than our personal relationship with God, our marriage relationship will have to be our first priority.
Shortly after Stirling and I were married I heard my mom, who was visiting with us for a few days, make a comment to Stirling that seemed to be unnecessarily critical of my wife. Because the situation involved two women that I loved dearly I wanted to address the situation wisely and clearly.
So, I waited for the first opportunity to be alone with my mom and I said to her, "Mom, you know that I love you. And I would never want to do anything to hurt you. But don't ever put me in the position of having to choose between you and Stirling. Because if you do…you'll lose."
I've always had a great relationship with my mom and it wasn't easy to talk to her like that, but it was important for me to do so because my priorities changed when I got married. And we needed to be clear about that.
Here's the point: Marriage is for grown-ups. And one of the ways we demonstrate that we have grown up is in our willingness to leave our other relationships so that we can give ourselves completely to our marriage relationship.
And that brings us to lesson #3: MARRIAGE IS BUILT UPON COMMITMENT
Let's go back once again to verses 7-8. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
God unites us in marriage and then we stay united by honoring the commitment we made in our marriage vows. Commitment is the foundation upon which lasting marriages are built. The bottom line is real clear: our marriages will never be any stronger than the strength of our commitment to stay married.
And to that end, I want to say just a word about why it is so dangerous and so destructive to even allow the "D" word…"divorce"…into your marriage vocabulary. Folks, when one spouse threatens divorce in the midst of a heated argument it's like dropping an emotional atomic bomb that shakes the very foundation of the marriage, namely, commitment. There is simply no way for a marriage or a family to function healthily when one partner or one parent is threatening to leave. If you've gotten into the habit of using the threat of divorce as a strategy for resolving arguments or getting your way, you need to find another strategy. The threat of divorce undermines our confidence in our partners commitment to marriage and no marriage will ever be any stronger than the strength of our commitment to stay married.
The dictionary defines, commitment, like this: to be obligated by virtue of a pledge or a vow. No wonder marriage is under attack these days. I counted no fewer than 4 words in that definition that have fallen into disfavor in our culture.
Marriage is built upon commitment. And the key ingredients of a commitment are ideas like obligation, virtue, pledges and vows. All of which are rapidly becoming foreign concepts to the modern mind. No wonder "living together" has become, for many, an acceptable alternative to marriage. But, folks, its an empty alternative. And those who settle for it will never know the joy, the satisfaction and the sense of awe that can only be experienced in a marriage built upon commitment.
And that brings us to lesson #4: MARRIAGE PRODUCES AN ENTIRELY NEW ENTITY
Describing the mystical union that God creates between a husband and wife Jesus quotes Genesis 2:24 in verse 8 saying, "the two will become one flesh." And then Jesus adds, "So they are no longer two, but one."
In other words, God takes two distinct and separate individuals and joins them together in such a way that a whole new entity is created. The point is that this marriage relationship, designed and secured by God takes on a whole new life of its own. It's a life that incorporates the best qualities of each individual; yet, in some mysterious way this new life is greater than the sum of its individual parts. There's a distinctive quality about this new life together that is the direct result of God's blessing of the union. And the name for this distinctive quality of life is called, oneness. Two becoming one.
I don't understand it but I know its real because I'm living it. Marriage is not just two individuals living under the same roof. Marriage is two individuals blessed by God to become an entirely new entity.
And that brings us to our fifth and final lesson. And that is that MARRIAGE IMPOSES A PROFOUND RESPONSIBILITY.
Look with me to verse 9: "Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Those are powerful words and they demand the attention of anyone considering marriage. They also demand the attention of those already married.
The first part of the verse says that marriage is the result of God's activity. You stood in front of someone who officiated your marriage ceremony but the joining together that took place that day was the work of God. And that means that God is heavily invested in your marriage.
One of the favorite things I get to do as a pastor is officiate at weddings. I love doing weddings. Oftentimes, however, I find that one of the most difficult decisions I have to make is about whether or not I should say, "Yes," when I'm asked to do a wedding. When the people involved are members of our church, the decision is easy. I love doing those weddings. But when people outside the church…or people only nominally connected to the church ask me to do their weddings it oftentimes forces me to make a very tough call.
Early in my ministry I simply said, "Yes," every time I was asked. But as I matured I came to realize that I had an obligation to think that decision through a little more carefully. So, now, when I'm asked to do a wedding for people I don't know I schedule an appointment to discuss the matter. And I set the tone of the discussion with my opening statement. I always begin by saying something like this, "I want to be real clear about the point of this meeting. We're not here to plan you're wedding. We're here so that I can decide whether or not it's appropriate for me to be involved in your wedding. You could have gone to a justice of the peace to get married. Instead, you came to me. The only time I get involved in a wedding is when the couple is looking to build the kind of marriage that is built upon Biblical principles…a marriage that is honoring to God…a marriage that seeks to reflect the love of Jesus. Before I agree to be involved in your wedding, I need to know if you are serious about building that kind of a marriage relationship."
Folks, it's amazing how clarifying that opening statement is! If they had not thought seriously about God's involvement in their marriage, they usually decide I'm not the guy for them after all. But if they have thought about that…and if that's their sincere desire…then the whole process of planning the wedding instantly moves to new place as we work together to plan a wedding that celebrates God's role in this new relationship.
The second part of that verse imposes a profound responsibility. "What God has joined together, let man not separate." This marriage is not yours to do with as you please. It is your responsibility to hold together what you asked God to put together.
And that means that for the rest of your life you must avoid any circumstance that would in any way put your marriage at risk. And that also means that for the rest of your life you must do everything possible to strengthen your marriage, to nurture your love, to protect the precious gift that God has given you in your marriage.
Marriage is a wonderful gift that carries with it the solemn responsibility to do all that we can to protect and preserve that gift.
If you are not married, today, thank God for the marriages that have blessed your life and to pray that God will strengthen the marriages of your friends and family.
If you are married thank God, today, for your spouse. Let them know that you love them. And commit yourself all over again to doing whatever is necessary to build a marriage relationship that will not only bless you and your family, but will also honor God.
© Copyright 2004 Pastor Tom Marcum